swim on

sometimes i wish i could just do my own work and not have to please my professors. isnt that what being in college is about: becoming the next person to do the job in a new a different way. so why is it that while working on my own thesis, which is even more of an individual project, i am told what i should be doing from my professor? i know its good to get feedback about a project, but when that feedback takes control over a project that you are creating and completing, there is going to be a time when you have to ask yourself - do i take back my project or do i do what my professor wants so i can get the grade? now i know the ideal thing is to take back the project and be satisfied with yourself knowing its all yours again, but for me, it might cost graduation.

sadly this feeling has taken over my life. it applies to much more then just my design work. every night i lay awake contemplating whether i should take back control over my life and leave some things behind, or just keep moving forward and know that i will deal with this for the rest of my life? the only thing i can conclude from all this, unfortunately, is a mix of the two: take back control and know i will live with it for the rest of my life. the only real taking back i will do though is making sure i dont let it take over my life, just dont think about it - as though my heart was never shattered and it never meant anything. i just have to learn how to turn off the feelings and live cold and numb.

that doesnt sound too fun does it? maybe one day it will just be ok, and i can smile because i wont be alone anymore and everyone will like what i design, not to mention i will like it. that would be perfect, wouldnt it. well, as one of the best fish ever would say, "just keep swimming."